Jeez, I don't know what to say. What can I say? With everything going pear-shaped and now my best mate in Cabinet Della gone I just don't know what's going on. All I can do is implore voters to understand that we have been going through a very rough patch lately and that things will get better - pretty much like the superannuation. The 26th of March (the date of the next NSW election, if you come from outside NSW) is a long way off and by then the roads, trains, buses, ferries, social services and schools will be running on time. If it weren't for my recent holiday with Belle Vacanze (unfortunately cut short by having to come back for Della) I'd be completely buggered.

Straight up, me and ’er Indoors, we schlepped over to the land of la dolchay veeta on one of them two-for-one deals available through the alternative economy, once championed by the sainted Mrs Thatcher but now sadly out of favour with those bolshie bastards Blair and Brown. Terry looked after the lock-up while we was away. I ’ad to sub ’im fifty sovs. The bolshie bugger knows how to exploit my soft side. First person we see was Plod, in the form of Mister Chisholm, and ’e's giving me GBH of the ear’ole, shouting the odds that I'd trousered a couple of botts of Vera Lynn off the plane. Talk about taking a diabolical liberty! Thank Gawd I didn't lay my minces on ’im during the flight. I'd've turned around straightaway. After two weeks in the same place as Chisholm I was well pleased to get back home to This Septic Isle, Willesden, Terry an' Dave down at The Windsor.

Sì, ho visitato Cagli e Montone molte volte ma solo nel passato ... prima di diventar ricco e prima di diventar il primo ministro italiano. Sono davvero due bei paesi, e nelle altre circostanzi mi piacerebbe rivisitarli di nuovo. Ma dove si trovano le belle ragazze chi vorrebbero godersi con me? Dove sono i nuovi edifici altissimi con le finestre d'acciaio e di vetro? Come ho detto, mi piacerebbe rivisitar Montone ma la gente! ... La gente è esecrabile. Sapete che circa 90% della gente montonese votano per i socialisti? È uno schifo!

Crime is crime is crime but by the same token a good time is a good time is a good time which is what Denis and i had had when we stayed with Belle Vacanze. Both Montone and Cagli are safe, reputable places in which the honest, law-abiding British citizen and his wife can holiday in peace and comfort. The streets are swept every day by the local peasants, the constabulary, as fine a bunch of men as The Met could ever produce, keep the lawless and wastrel element at a distance. I am renowned for the saying "there is no alternative" but now I am pleased to announce that there is an alternative: Cagli or Montone. Either will do, and I guarantee that you won't bump into that union thug, Arthur Scargill.

Sure I stayed there jest the wunst with John and Janice. Somewhere in Spane sure looked like Spane speshly as they sounded like they was speaking Spannish so it mustov been Spane. Not a bad place. But youda thort theyd put on a goddam bullfight when the fricking Leader of the whole fricking Free World comes to town. Spane is part of the Free World ain't it. Dick and ma Daddy reckons it is so it must. Anyways if they s'port Freedom and Demarcrissy they're a.o.k. by me.